Have anyone ever spared a thought and try to understand me? Siblings are like that, when they need you, they will talk to you nicely. When I need them, they are no where to be seen.Housework all i do myself and they don't even play their part to keep the house clean and tidy.
Both of them always quarrel quarrel, even go out together also cannot go out happily. Once a time, sister told me that she is damn sad that my brother is treating her like one stranger, but in the first place are you even treating him like a brother?
Family already like that, yet with my friends I also don't seems to be much happy either. Exclude sharon and yenni, the rest is just ... Only yenni and Sharon truly understand me, care for me, REALLY CARE FOR ME.
Even though I have made friends in fish and co with Zeke, Tim Stanley. But I realized we are not that close after all. Maybe it's because I am not brotherly enough with them. Even if I go out with them, I realized that we do not have much things to talk about though.
With my poly mates, I also find that I seems like the quiet one. Don't really talk in the whatapps group, I can tell you normally it is either that I am busy with work, or they talk at night and I am usually asleep. Or the conversation wasn't directed to me. As my closer friends in poly is actually xin ying, she is the one who can get along with guys and guys like to hang out with her, probably she is friendly enough i guess. Then in turn, my clique of friends will think that why Carolyn is so quiet ah? I mean like when someone is quiet, did you ever ask why? Sometimes when you don't know about the topic, you will say things ma? I will just keep quiet and listen right, is there a problem with that?
Or maybe sometimes when a person is quiet, he or she is probably just tired. As for me, i don't really talk much is honestly, I would say, is because there are too many troubles that is within me already that is affecting my mood.
Sometimes I really will think is that I am really a boring person that whoever hangs out with me will feel very boring. It's true, I am a very simple person. My daily routine is just working, doing housework, baking and listening to more k-pop, hence I feel that to find people with the same hobbies as me, it's pretty hard though.
Fish and co was my last and present part time job, I do enjoy working there. The people there are nice too, but there is seriously too much Malay colleagues already, so therefore whenever after work I don't really hang out with them because they speak and laugh around in their own language so what for?
So to me, my really friends in fish and co are just that few which I have mention earlier on.
In secondary school, i came to know a guy. In the past I was really quiet so when I came to know this guy, I really cherish him as a really good friends. He is a popular guy, because of his looks and personality, a lot of people like to make friends with him. He is very sporty also. I know what passed has passed, but sometimes I will just think back. If we are studying in the same poly, will we still stay in contact and be close friends? I pretty sad that the friendship between me and him is not like the past anymore ever since we went to different poly, no longer used to tease one another, no longer hanging out already, no longer showing sharing and concerning about my troubles.
He has made a lot of new friends from his cca and course I guess, and it seems that he is living a happening and happy life, probably that will be just enough for me already to know that he is fine.
Besides him, in secondary days I have also made a really great friend. We have been really good friends since secondary 2 till we graduated together. However, it's really sad that we seldom contact anymore. She is a friend who don't really take the initiative, therefore it is quite tiring for me to keep being the one to plan things to ask her out. But I am just as grateful that she did remembered my birthday and did wished me. She is also quite popular and even now she does still hang out with her secondary school classmates that she had made in secondary 3. Probably is because ever since we are in different class since sec 3, therefore we don't really talk that much already.
Now that I am working for F1 event, yes, I have made some friends. I mean colleagues. They are nice people. But however sometimes, I cannot seems to "blend" into the conversation. Maybe one thing is I choose to sit at the corner, therefore when they have conversation, it makes me feel left out. But that's my choice to sit at a corner. But sometimes even though not about this, whenever we go out for lunch or out for a spin on the buggy, they seems to be happy teasing around and most of the time I am the one who just listen. Is it really because of my personality? that I am really quiet? I really don't know.
Even in relationship, it is also like ... I am not desperate for love. But after living 20 years of my life, I do want to experience the feeling of being loved by someone. I am a person who is already having a lot of troubles flooding in my mind, therefore, sometimes I really want to have a lending shoulder for me to lean on. But every time, it is either the person like me and I do not like that person or vice versa. Or it's just eye candy around me.
I do want to be happy, somewhat somehow. Who does not want to happy? I just hope people can just try to understand me more and DON'T ALWAYS THINK THAT I AM FREAKING QUIET. Because I am not.
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